Update on Life

When I last posted a blog, I was wrapping up my 9 week internship in Haiti.  I was in a pretty bad place emotionally and mentally and I was leaving VERY upset at the organization I worked with (click here for a reminder).  Soon after I arrived back to America I started my first semester of nursing school.  It was hard and challenging, but I knew it was exactly where I needed to be.  I gained friendships with some amazing people and learned so much.  My second semester of nursing school started this past January and things were different.  Many of the teachers didn’t have our backs.  They weren’t testing on the material that was presented in lecture.  Heck, some professors weren’t even teaching in lecture, but telling useless stories and just telling us to "read of this."  I can read a powerpoint myself; I went to class to be taught.  It was a rough semester.

A little more than halfway through the semester I had a couple of the worst weeks of my life.  Basically because of some miscommunication with two professors my judgment was being questioned and I was called a liar.  That was on a Monday.  The following Tuesday, I was signing papers saying that I would receive a failing grade in one of my classes, but could continue on with the other two classes, and repeat the class I received the failing grade in next Spring.  And then on Wednesday I was being told that everything was being reversed because of more information they found out about other students.  We called times like that “whirligigs” in Haiti – highs, lows, highs, lows all back to back.  I was broken and crushed.  That week was definitely a roller-coaster, but throughout the whole thing I felt so much love, support, and encouragement from so many people.  I had so many people backing me up, and I know that I wouldn’t have been able to make it through that time without their love, support, and encouragement.

Just a couple weeks prior to that whirligig God really started to do some major work on my heart.  I left Haiti being mad at God.  I was mad that He would let an organization do so many selfish and hurtful things to the very people who need help the most just to get through daily life.  I was mad that I didn’t have the experience I was hoping and planning for.  I was just in a dark place and decided to turn the opposite way of God.  But even with all the hurt, betrayal, sadness, heartbreak, and hard times I faced last summer, God showed me an even clearer picture of what He had planned for my future.  I knew working/living in Haiti was my purpose.

Anyways, God really started to mold and shape me into who He created me for.  I started to pray again.  I started going to church to get everything out of it I could and not just to be seen.  I started to put my trust back in Him.  I start to love myself again.  I started to seek His guidance again.  I started to completely trust Him.  And it was no coincidence for the timing either.  It wasn’t but a mere two weeks after all this change officially took place that the craziness of school really hit the fan.

Through that time I had the most loving, supportive encouragers, but I couldn’t have got through that time without the BIG MAN upstairs on my side.  He is what kept me going.  He is what kept me in a positive attitude.  I knew He had plans for my life.

After I got the news that I was going to be able to complete all my classes, I continued on with my semester.  Saying it was hard and challenging is putting it lightly. 

And then the bad news kept coming … on a Tuesday I get a call that my sister was being taken to the emergency room and being admitted to the ICU because her blood work came back super low.  Her platelet count was at a 7 (“normal” is between 100-400).  Since I had learned all about lab values, I knew that was dangerously low.  If she even cut her arm, she could literally bleed out.  I was pretty scared.  And to make matters worse, she lives an hour and half away so I wasn’t able to be with her immediately.  After being in ICU for several days, they finally were able to move her to a regular room.  Today, her platelet counts are still super low and she’s receiving transfusions.  Her WBC count is low.  We’re still unsure how much longer she’ll have to be in the hospital or how many transfusions she’ll have to go through, but I’m finding peace that we serve an Almighty God and that He has her in the palm of His hands.

So skip ahead a week, to this week.  It’s finals week.  I take my first final this past Monday.  I left school on Monday not really knowing what my fate in the nursing program was because I did not feel confident about the test at all.  The study guide I studied was NOT what was on that test.  And then that afternoon I get another brutal phone call from another one of my sisters.  The details of that are being kept between our family and close friends, but it completely shattered everything I had already taped back together.  I was broken and scared and worried.  But once again I tried to find comfort in the fact that God it still on His throne and that He wouldn’t give us anything we couldn’t handle.  We’re unsure of what is going to come from this hard time.  It’s going to be a long and challenging battle, but our family is strong and we serve an even stronger God.  I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know God will be there through the whole thing holding our hands, and holding us when we can’t walk ourselves.  We would never give us anything that we couldn't handle.

On Tuesday I took my second final and did great on it.  I needed that positive.  And then on Wednesday I had my last final.  I was nervous about the test and didn't feel prepared, but on the way to school Wednesday morning I had a peace.  I knew that whatever the outcome of the test, that God has an amazing plan for my life and maybe I just can’t see the end result just yet.  During the test I knew that I wasn’t going to pass it.  Some of the material on the test I didn’t even know.  I didn’t even remember learning.  I didn’t even know what some of the words meant.  It was a rough test.  Feeling a little discouraged, I knew He was still God and He still had a plan.

We went over the test and I miserably failed it.  I failed the class.  I was done with nursing school (at least for now).  But even with that, I still had a peace.  Like I told one of my classmates, if this would have happened a couple months ago, I would be so broken.  It’s not a coincidence that it was just a couple months ago that I started trusting God in everything.  He has given me HIS strength.  He knew everything I’d be facing.  From being kicked out, having that reversed, my sister being super sick, other family problems, and now failing my final, He knew what I’d be facing.  He knew I couldn’t do it alone.  And He knew this could be a way for me to shine a light for Him.  In fact I don’t know that I’ve ever felt as much peace in such a rough and dark patch of life.

My future is now even more uncertain.  I don’t know the road I’m going to travel next, but I know I’ll have someone to lead and guide me every step I take.  I’m finding comfort in Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

A part of me is relieved that I don’t have the stress of nursing school.  I’m nervous because I don’t know where I’m going next.  And anyone who knows me knows I’m a planner.  But I have to take a backset to this and let God take the driver's seat.  I’m also a little scared because of the uncertainty that is overwhelming me.  I’m unsure of a lot of things.

With all those emotions I’m still at peace.  I feel so much love from the people I hold dearest to my heart.  I have the best supportive team behind me.  My path is uncertain, but I’m certain in the fact that I serve an Almighty God who will never “leave nor forsake me.”  He has been preparing me for this exact moment in time for weeks now.  He’s got this!

My dream, my goal, my future is still in Haiti.  I don’t necessarily HAVE to have a degree to live/work there.  Maybe God is preparing me to move there even sooner!!  Who knows?  I just know I’m going to trust Him through this time.

SMG