When I last posted a blog, I was wrapping up my 9 week
internship in Haiti. I was in a pretty
bad place emotionally and mentally and I was leaving VERY upset at the
organization I worked with (click here for a reminder). Soon after I arrived back to America I
started my first semester of nursing school.
It was hard and challenging, but I knew it was exactly where I needed to
be. I gained friendships with some
amazing people and learned so much. My
second semester of nursing school started this past January and things were
different. Many of the teachers didn’t have our
backs. They weren’t testing on the
material that was presented in lecture.
Heck, some professors weren’t even teaching in lecture, but telling useless stories and just telling us to "read of this." I can read a powerpoint myself; I went to class to be taught. It was a
rough semester.
A little more than halfway through the semester I had a
couple of the worst weeks of my life.
Basically because of some miscommunication with two professors my
judgment was being questioned and I was called a liar. That was on a Monday. The following Tuesday, I was signing papers
saying that I would receive a failing grade in one of my classes, but could
continue on with the other two classes, and repeat the class I received the
failing grade in next Spring. And then
on Wednesday I was being told that everything was being reversed because of
more information they found out about other students. We called times like that “whirligigs” in
Haiti – highs, lows, highs, lows all back to back. I was broken and crushed. That week was definitely a roller-coaster,
but throughout the whole thing I felt so much love, support, and encouragement
from so many people. I had so many
people backing me up, and I know that I wouldn’t have been able to make it
through that time without their love, support, and encouragement.
Just a couple weeks prior to that whirligig God really
started to do some major work on my heart.
I left Haiti being mad at God. I
was mad that He would let an organization do so many selfish and hurtful things
to the very people who need help the most just to get through daily life. I was mad that I didn’t have the experience I
was hoping and planning for. I was just
in a dark place and decided to turn the opposite way of God. But even with all the hurt, betrayal,
sadness, heartbreak, and hard times I faced last summer, God showed me an even
clearer picture of what He had planned for my future. I knew working/living in Haiti was my
purpose.
Anyways, God really started to mold and shape me into who
He created me for. I started to pray
again. I started going to church to get
everything out of it I could and not just to be seen. I started to put my trust back in Him. I start to love myself again. I started to seek His guidance again. I started to completely trust Him. And it was no coincidence for the timing
either. It wasn’t but a mere two weeks
after all this change officially took place that the craziness of school really
hit the fan.
Through that time I had the most loving, supportive
encouragers, but I couldn’t have got through that time without the BIG MAN
upstairs on my side. He is what kept me
going. He is what kept me in a positive
attitude. I knew He had plans for my
life.
After I got the news that I was going to be able to
complete all my classes, I continued on with my semester. Saying it was hard and challenging is putting
it lightly.
And then the bad news kept coming … on a Tuesday I get a
call that my sister was being taken to the emergency room and being admitted to
the ICU because her blood work came back super low. Her platelet count was at a 7 (“normal” is
between 100-400). Since I had learned
all about lab values, I knew that was dangerously low. If she even cut her arm, she could literally
bleed out. I was pretty scared. And to make matters worse, she lives an hour
and half away so I wasn’t able to be with her immediately. After being in ICU for several days, they
finally were able to move her to a regular room. Today, her platelet counts are still super
low and she’s receiving transfusions.
Her WBC count is low. We’re still
unsure how much longer she’ll have to be in the hospital or how many
transfusions she’ll have to go through, but I’m finding peace that we serve an
Almighty God and that He has her in the palm of His hands.
So skip ahead a week, to this week.
It’s finals week. I take my first
final this past Monday. I left school on
Monday not really knowing what my fate in the nursing program was because I did
not feel confident about the test at all.
The study guide I studied was NOT what was on that test. And then that afternoon I get another brutal
phone call from another one of my sisters.
The details of that are being kept between our family and close friends,
but it completely shattered everything I had already taped back together. I was broken and scared and worried. But once again I tried to find comfort in the
fact that God it still on His throne and that He wouldn’t give us anything we
couldn’t handle. We’re unsure of what is
going to come from this hard time. It’s
going to be a long and challenging battle, but our family is strong and we
serve an even stronger God. I don’t see
the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know God will be there through the
whole thing holding our hands, and holding us when we can’t walk ourselves. We would never give us anything that we couldn't handle.
On Tuesday I took my second final and did great on
it. I needed that positive. And then on Wednesday I had my last final. I was nervous about the test and didn't feel prepared, but on the way
to school Wednesday morning I had a peace.
I knew that whatever the outcome of the test, that God has an amazing
plan for my life and maybe I just can’t see the end result just yet. During the test I knew that I wasn’t going to
pass it. Some of the material on the
test I didn’t even know. I didn’t even
remember learning. I didn’t even know
what some of the words meant. It was a
rough test. Feeling a little
discouraged, I knew He was still God and He still had a plan.
We went over the test and I miserably failed it. I failed the class. I was done with nursing school (at least for
now). But even with that, I still had a
peace. Like I told one of my classmates,
if this would have happened a couple months ago, I would be so broken. It’s not a coincidence that it was just a
couple months ago that I started trusting God in everything. He has given me HIS strength. He knew everything I’d be facing. From being kicked out, having that reversed,
my sister being super sick, other family problems, and now failing my final, He
knew what I’d be facing. He knew I couldn’t
do it alone. And He knew this could be a
way for me to shine a light for Him. In
fact I don’t know that I’ve ever felt as much peace in such a rough and dark
patch of life.
My future is now even more uncertain. I don’t know the road I’m going to travel
next, but I know I’ll have someone to lead and guide me every step I take. I’m finding comfort in Jeremiah 29:11 – “For
I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
A part of me is relieved that I don’t have the stress of
nursing school. I’m nervous because I
don’t know where I’m going next. And anyone
who knows me knows I’m a planner. But I
have to take a backset to this and let God take the driver's seat. I’m also a little scared because of the
uncertainty that is overwhelming me. I’m
unsure of a lot of things.
With all those emotions I’m still at peace. I feel so much love from the people I hold
dearest to my heart. I have the best
supportive team behind me. My path is
uncertain, but I’m certain in the fact that I serve an Almighty God who will
never “leave nor forsake me.” He has
been preparing me for this exact moment in time for weeks now. He’s got this!
My dream, my goal, my future is still in Haiti. I don’t necessarily HAVE to have a degree to
live/work there. Maybe God is preparing
me to move there even sooner!! Who
knows? I just know I’m going to trust
Him through this time.
SMG
